Corona Diaries Week 1

Hi! 

'Welcome back' I said to myself as I dusted off the old blog. It’s time to write again. To do something creative during these crazy, unprecedented times we find ourselves in.

I am a split down the middle introvert and extrovert on any personality test I’ve taken. Both sides of myself are feeling this new world we are living in.

On the one hand I love the idea of settling into something, of resting. Of slowing down-the mental battle of what should I do today isn’t looming. I feel like this time has the potential to be so good and so healing for so many. And then on the other hand I feel a sense of dread and overwhelm wash over me as I picture long days spent indoors with those that can drive me the craziest.

The quarantine is helping me in the fact that I don’t have other options of what to do. We are asked to stay home. So we are not planning outings and play dates right now. And I feel relieved in a way knowing I’m not missing out on things. There is a lot of pressure that’s been removed and I’m grateful for it. I can settle into being at home in new ways. I usually struggle with this.

 I always tend to feel this pressure that I should be out doing something. I never really know what that something is and therefore it creates a sense of dread and anxiety. Being a stay at home parent I can essentially set up my days any way I like. But that can feel very overwhelming for me because I never know what to do or how to do it. I feel caught between wanting/needing to get out of the house and wanting/needing to get stuff done in the house. Now I have no choice! I just needed to government to make me stay home! Haha!

So what have we done this week you ask?

Well, this week we’ve read more books (yeah for my ideals becoming reality!), sorted through bins that have been untouched for years, watched movies, gone for walks, cursed under my breath a lot (and out loud if i'm being honest), subsequently listened to a sermon on taming my tongue, washed our hands, yelled at my 6 year old for doing a big loud cough all over our dinner, gone tobogganing, spent too much time on my phone glued to the latest updates and memes, felt overwhelmed, worked out once, made poor shopping decisions, panic bought a lot of booze (the new TP), ate a large peanut butter marshmallow square, doodled with Mo, found my old troll and soother earrings from when I was a kid and wondered if I'll ever wear jeans again?

Elliot and Bennett catching some air

This week was not about routine for us. As someone who has never scheduled a day in her life I gave myself some grace and will set some sort of a schedule in place for next week. The online world got a bit hyper with all the things we could and should be doing. It will take some time to pick and choose what’s for us and what isn’t.

I am aware that reality will reach new levels as next week the kids will officially start at their new school. Yikes. Pray for them...so far the reviews aren't promising ;).

All the best (to whoever reads this) as we collectively in isolation navigate our new normal.

Kenzi

It was a freezing cold day in the middle of February in 2008 and we sat in the parking lot while our car wouldn’t start. This happened sometimes on really really cold days. Why I remember this particular time is because on my lap sat a puppy.  A 5 month old Westie from Petland. That we had just bought on a whim moments before. I mean it was on sale! How could we resist?! We were completely un-researched and 100% unprepared.

As mentioned Kenzi was bought on sale and it often happened while out on a walk that we would run into other Westie owners. Who we quickly learned were very proud of their chosen breed of dog. They would proudly  bring up the fact their westie was chosen from a select breeder in some other Canadian city (this happened more than once) and ask us where ours was from. We’d tell them and try not to burst out laughing about how we bought her knowing nothing and onsale to boot.

Kids loved Kenzi. She was cute and scruffy. Kenzi could care less. She was growly and set in her ways from the start. She loved what she loved: her owners, her human grandparents and to hunt-rabbits, squirrels etc. But I think she loved the latter more. She’d take off like a rocket after one and we’d be left yelling her name throughout the neighbourhood like a bunch of A-holes. We started to think she did it on purpose just to embarrass us.

Kenzi was so stubborn. She would only listen when she knew she had no other options. I can’t see you she’d think…meanwhile we could see her. Insert the yelling.

Kenzi lived for adventures. If we couldn’t take her on one she’d take herself. She’d be found or return to us covered in burs, filthy, smelling of dead disgusting things and one time human poop or something so horribly horrific. She was often sheepish but I truly think she weighed the pros and cons and always deemed the adventure worth it.

Her sense of adventure took her out of our van at a coffee stop in Selkirk one time when we were enroute to Winnipeg Beach. We didn’t notice until we got to Winnipeg Beach, parked, walked to the pier and asked each other who had the dog? It was then we realized she must’ve got out of the car when we stopped. So like any good dog owner would do we had dinner first and then went to find her. We got back to Selkirk and followed her trail…”have you seen a little white dog?” we asked some kids sitting outside. 'Yes! About a half hour ago she was by that church'. OK. We head to the church where some kids are hanging out, we ask the same question…'Yes! About 20 minutes ago she crossed the highway and headed that way'. We followed a few more leads and eventually found her, hunkered down in the corner of a parking lot.

Her fear of loud noises took her darting out of the yard one new years eve in Pinawa after we shot off some fireworks. It was about -40. After hunting in groups for as long as we could stand it in the cold we gave up for the night. The next morning Erich left the house with a garbage bag and a leash…unsure of which one he’d need. Kenzi made her way through town the night before to the Wilderness Edge…a retreat center. The only possible place open. And spent the night with a guy named Frank.

Kenzi has turned up on Facebook pages asking if anyone knows who she belongs to. She’s chased down deer and been kicked in the head by one (once they realized that if they didn’t move she wouldn’t actually know what to do). She’s turned up at our own front door and I hadn’t even known she was gone (I’d had lots of kids by this point and was probably tired or something).

After each excursion we’d ask her how many lives she had left?

She loved to watch animals on tv. She sat between Erich and I and intently watched all of Marley and Me. She often couldn’t control herself and would run towards the tv and she’d often run around the corner trying to find the dogs or cats if they ran off the screen. 

We’d take her somewhere, tie her up and 6 seconds later she’d be so tangled around every possible thing in sight that she’d be completely immobile.

Kenzie was so growly with kids and unfriendly with almost everyone and yet Elliot adored her. And kenzi grew to trust and love Elliot too.

Last snuggles together

Kenzi has been a huge help to me since having kids. Not once have I had to pick up a morsel of food from the floor. Not once. I think this was more of a selfish endeavour on Kenzi’s part rather than a mutual partnership but non-the less I appreciated it.  That is up until last week when she became too sick to eat. 2 weeks ago we discovered she had liver cancer after noticing her slowing down and not acting like her usual self about two weeks prior to that. Westies can live upwards of 17years. I thought we were in this for a lot longer. My heart's not ready to not have a dog around.

When a dog stops eating the food that falls and lays there while a squirrel runs by you know she’s not feeling well. Her days of adventuring are done and yesterday we said good-bye. And I miss her.

If you’ve lost a pet you know how weirdly quiet the house feels.

If you’ve lost a pet who cleaned your floors while simultaneously parenting a two year old who throws his food on the floor then you’re really feeling me right now.

If all dogs really do go to heaven then I’m sure Kenzi will be on some grand adventure and won’t come to us until we’ve called her name so many times that we’re thoroughly humiliated (and in heaven no less!). She’d have it no other way.

Kenzi on her last lake adventure

Good-bye my Loooove!

You should go off of Instagram I tell myself almost daily. No no, I argue it’s fine. Plus, I keep doing that. People will think I have a problem and that I can’t handle my social media self. But it’s true, you can’t I argue back. *Self proceeds to scroll through random strangers crap, memes etc for far too long then closes IG saying ‘wasting your life girl’ or something cool and sad like that.

When I’m finally willing to listen to myself I realize I’m right.

Here’s the general state of affairs I find myself in these days: kinda low, kinda anxious, unsure of what brings me joy anymore, reading all of a paragraph or a page from a book/day making it impossible to get through any book, kinda bored, kinda feeling like it’s time for a shift. Now I’m not blaming instagram or social media at all here, but rather I’ve been using them as a form of escape for far too long.

I have 3 small kids. I am in 'a stage of life' if you will that can lend itself to the previously mentioned state of affairs I can find myself in. And lets be honest I need treats and good things to keep me going and I’m a huge believer and advocator of both. But what’s a treat and what’s an escape? I’m not delving into the idea that wine is an escape just yet-one thing at a time, one thing at a time. But sometimes you just know that in order to make room for new things…even just new or different mental space something has got to give.

In this case it’s the thing that has been occupying too many hours of my day-my darned addiction to social media (instagram to be specific...fb doesn't do it for me anymore...but if she too starts acting up, she gone). IG is just not bringing the joy. It’s not bringing the life. It’s sucking both from me right now.

It’s summer. The hubby is finally off work and the fam gets to be together a lot more. Plus, I’d like to go into the fall with some fresh vision-largely as a result of giving myself some room to see what’s in front of me and around me again.

Yet, I can still feel silly about it. It’s just instagram afterall. But this crap is addicting! And that’s science.

Here's to putting it 'out there' (hello accountability!) and here's to new things. Writing more? Reading more? Who knows. Trusting something more will come.

So maybe I’ll see you again IG, that is, if I can figure out how to form a boundary or two. And have a good rest of your summer ‘friends’. I hope I don’t miss out on too many really cool things. Text me, k?? Oh you don’t have my number? Cause you have no idea who I am. K…cool, byeeee.

A cool pic of a sunrise shared in an Instagram story awhile back.

Serena, Pregnancy Brain and too many 2's

Today was a long day in life/parenting. Most days are, but this one was especially nutty. It was a solo parenting day as Erich worked all day/evening. The story begins with a bit of a back story...

Have you met Serena? She's met a few of you in person as well as on instagram. She's the newest addition to our family. Well actually she's been in a box in the basement for a few years now. That is, until Elliot spotted her and with instant affection for this doll, asked if she could have her. I couldn't say no.

She loves Serena for a number of reasons. Most of which we don't understand. Serena is a big girl who can stand by herself. She also plays music, which is a bit of a thrill. Elliot has this beautiful heart that just loves deeply. I pray in all seriousness that she maintains this innocence towards things and see's past what the world will tell you is ugly (or terrifying in Serena's case).

Because let me tell you something, Hollywood makes movies about dolls like Serena. Serena came with a baby and as you play the music Serena is supposed to 'rock' the baby. But, being a few decades old some of her joints if you want to call them that have loosened up. Her body now swivels around. It just spins. We've also crazy glued her legs on (after Elliot spent the night with Serena's body and both legs separately in bed we thought that maybe we should).  She is just a creepy girl. And Elliot loves her. She also gets a lot of attention for her-one day she'll get it, but for now I think she thinks that everyone just loves Serena as much as she does. Bless her heart.

Today Elliot wanted to bring Serena with her to show my midwife (there's always a public element to things like this). Elliot proudly shows the midwife Serena. Bennett follows suit and shows his nee-nee. Which is his beloved monkey-blanky. Nee-Nee is disgusting. Nee-Nee is heavy from hanging out in Ben's mouth 90% of the time. I had to wonder if the state of my home was in question. I had a meeting right after this appointment and again Ellie and Ben proudly display their beloveds. The woman we met with graciously (and hilariously) carried the doll who carried the nee-nee around the office. Ha! The kids were beaming.

That was our morning. This afternoon I lost my phone somewhere in Dollarama...after saying out loud to the kids that I better not leave my phone on a shelf! Someone thankfully turned it in to an employee, but it set me back and I had to be somewhere and didn't get the coffee I was 'needing'. It was almost enough to make this hormonal pregnant woman cry. I held it together. But then proceeded to leave my phone at the next destination. UGH. My brain.

Now, let me recap dinner. I ate my dinner ice-cold and it took 50 minutes to eat. Bennett (a week potty trained) made 5 trips to the bathroom and one to the hallway. Elliot just one, but it was poo so it involved me being needed. That's 7 bathroom trips, all of which involved my presence and help...at dinner.

Bennett starts it all off with a false poop alarm. But there were skid marks, so I said take the underwear off and just wear your shorts. The next one I told him to go by himself and get on the toilet (which he can). But instead, he accidentally locked himself in the bathroom and pooped his pants. So gross. Diaper on-because it's getting close to bedtime and we wear one for bed, so I was saving myself some work and being proactive. Then he had to pee, he drags the potty into the hall (?), I take off his diaper and then get yelled at because he needs privacy. Next we have another false poop alarm. Same time Elliot has to go-downstairs she goes, which means I'm on wipe duty (that's gotta stop soon right?!). Then Bennett has to go again, this time he goes. Diaper back on. Done. Nope, one more pee. Oh my stars! I'm supposed to be eating dinner here people!! I'm tired. Plus, I'm large. Getting up-especially at the end of a long day is a feat! That also doesn't include the other half dozen times I had to get up just for the regular requests.

My hands are raw from the washing. My nerves, well, they're always kinda raw.

Elliot Jane and the Curse of the Purse

I wasn't quite ready to wake up from my nap. Elliot, however, was done having her quiet time. She wasn't listening to my request to go and play for a few more minutes until her brother woke up. I was lying in bed wishing the nap could go on and that the whining would stop and she was on the floor-as this is the place to be when things aren't going your way. She was (evidently) playing with a minnie mouse kinder surprise toy that had from the start caused her nothing but grief as it never stayed together. In hind sight we should've just thrown it out (hind sight, ha!!). She had already shed many irrational tears over the frustration of this toy. 

All of a sudden she gets up in a panic saying 'I can't get the purse out, I can't get the purse out! The purse is stuck in my nose!'  For starters, WHAT?! Secondly, you put things in your nose?? The kid who as a baby never put anything in her mouth, nose, ears etc. I have never once worried about her. I'm sure if we had lego when she was a baby I wouldn't have batted an eye at her playing with it because she just never put things in her orfaces. 

I'm awake now. We tried blowing, nothing. I tried pepper to make her sneeze, nothing. I tried seeing it with a flashlight, nothing. I'm beginning to really hope we are not becoming a little person who lies for attention because I am resorting to having to take you to emerg to see if they can extract this bloody purse and I would really rather not. 

We go. Now, if you know me you know how vomit completely undoes me and sends me irrationally disinfecting surfaces in my house. So naturally, upon arriving 2 of the 4 triage seats have those kidney shaped bowls of vomit sitting on them. Great. While sitting there trying to position myself to not see them we get to listen to someone puking in the washroom (that's how loud it was) for about 5 minutes. I'm officially nauseous. And I'm thinking that there had better be a purse in your nose or that maybe since it's not bothering you AT ALL you could just live with this little extra.

We wait for a good hour and a half. In that time I think she touched her mouth about one thousand times. Sigh. Here's Elliot killing time and being silly, I was taking pictures and praying against the hospital germs.

We finally get into the back and the doctor comes right away. He looks up her nose and can't see anything either. I'm thinking please be up there or this is nuts! Then he says 'there is one more thing we can try before having to do an x-ray'. He tells me to plug her other nostril and cover her mouth with mine and blow really hard. I went ahead and added that statement to the list of things I never thought I'd hear.  

You want my mom to do what?!

I stood there for about a minute with a stupid 'are you serious?' grin on my face wondering if he just suggested what I thought he suggested. He had. So...I did it. A huge glob of snot shot out and hit my cheek. I wiped it off and low and behold a tiny purse had emerged. The doctor and I shared a laugh at the absurdity. Now if only we could both erase the memory...

Reunited and it feels so good!

Elliot was a trooper. I'm relieved the purse was there because at least that means she's not becoming a tiny little liar. We decided a date was in order so off to Pita Pit we went. I ordered her the same pita she devoured the last time we were there. Of course she didn't like it this time. I am reminded for the second time that day that toddlers truly are irrational human beings. 

I feel like I'm taking Crazy Pills!

One of my favourite things to do on a winter or rainy day is take the kids to chapters, grab a coffee and let them play at the train table and look around at the kids stuff. And maybe if i'm lucky I can check out a few books myself. It's been awhile since I've done that, it's a snowy day here today and there's something I wanted to buy. Perfect. Off we went.

I currently have a 3rd child in tow-same age as Elliot-for a few months this winter. The girls play just as well as they fight and today they had already lost an afternoon Christmas movie privilege. However, I wanted to watch said Christmas movie (Muppets Christmas Carol-SO good!) so I gave them a second chance. We were all smiles and all clear on the expectations as we left the van.

Just before we left I found $3-the exact amount for a tall americano. Yes! With coffee in hand we head downstairs to the train table. What happened next is a miserable, time stand still blur. A true picture of the horrors of parenting. (Disclaimer: this came as no surprise as we have been dealing with 'threenager' like attitude and behaviour for sometime-just not to this magnitude in public...to prove my point this morning she yelled that she was not 3, but 15!)

It started with a spat over a train...this allowing for the bad attitude to settle in nicely. Next we are shoving our brothers train off the track to get by. I believe 2 minutes has past since arriving. By the time we've yelled and shoved our brother out of the way for the second time, we're done. I have removed her from the train table. I also still need to purchase something (and I came across the city in a snowstorm a week before Christmas so I am not going back, plus I need this item). So leaving the store immediately with 3 kids just wasn't happening. In the stroller she goes, screaming and crying all the while. My phone rings, I step aside and answer. Next thing I know Elliot's tipped the stroller, banged her head on the floor and spilled the contents of the stroller all over the floor.

Sometimes God sends you the right people in the midst of the crazy. A very kind woman picked up my things and my stroller so I could pick up Elliot. She proceeded to tell me I'm a good mom and I'm doing the right thing. Words I so rarely hear as a mom. Words I have felt desperate to hear lately, in the midst of really hard parenting. It made me tear up-but I still had a situation on my hands and something I HAD to buy.

Elliot is strapped in now (still screaming) and no one knows where this bloody item is! There's 4 in store (I made sure to check before leaving). I think 10-15 very long minutes pass while we traipse around the store (screaming) trying to find this item. Item found, proceed to checkout to pay. Where my two year old (tomorrow) son will not pick himself off the floor. He's screaming now too because why the heck not. And I couldn't pick him up and carry him because the stress and the crazy and the things and the screaming!

I am a desperate woman. My kids have been waking up so early. This morning it was in the 5's. So I was resolved and determined to go and buy one of those clocks that change colour when it's time to wake up. Maybe they'll sleep longer? Then maybe we won't be a bunch of crazies in public? Just Maybe?

Not from today, but a depiction of the attitude:). Elliot saying "Uggghhhh!!" at being asked to smile by the tree.

I sure don't know what I'm doing when it comes to parenting. I have laughed and cried at today. I have been encouraged and humbled (someone also called me ma'am-if that's not humbling I don't know what is!). So, onwards we go...and let's all pray the clock works!




***I often think in movie lines-guesses on which movie the title of this post is from??!***

Name This Blog!

I'm so limited with my technological skills that I can already hear my kids future selves moaning in embarassment! Haha. It's sad. But I did manage to make this baby look a little spiffier today. I also clicked on my blog so many times that I may have gone viral.

I think this baby needs a name. Along with my strong technological skills come just as strong blog naming skills. I'm open to any suggestions, I may never use them or get around to changing the name (or figuring out how for that matter) but let's have a little fun and see what we can come up with.

Some things to keep in mind while considering a new name. I'm a hipster...or wait...am I one if I self declare I'm one? The irony of it all is too much. I guess that's all there is to consider. Happy naming! There are no prizes either...unless you count life long blog shouts-out and props. To grasp the magnitude of that...I have one follower and no blog comments to date. BUT do keep in mind that I did go viral today, so that's actually a pretty cool prize.